Now read this excerpt from Ms. Damour’s reply:
A. You and your grandson are in a heartbreaking predicament for which there are no complete or satisfying solutions. I cannot tell you how much I wish this weren’t true. Above all, I want to acknowledge the painful reality of the circumstances you describe.
Even though there are no perfect remedies, it may still be possible to improve the situation at least a little bit. First, let’s note that you are contending with two distinct, albeit related, challenges. One is that the pandemic has uprooted your grandson’s budding social life. The other is that his perfectly warranted distress about falling out of touch with his new friends has ruptured his relationships at home. On the first front, you may be hard-pressed to offer your grandson more social opportunities than you already have. On the second front, however, there may be ways to repair your connection with your isolated teenager, who needs loving support now more than ever.
Empathy, empathy, empathy is the place to start. The situation in which he finds himself is miserable and not of his creation. It may be true that he is acting out and upsetting everyone around him, and that many other young people find themselves in similar straits, and that we are starting to catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to let these factors sap your sympathy for your grandson. The adjustments that we have been asking adolescents to make, both in how they conduct their social lives and how they learn, take almost all of the fun out of being a teenager and have been in place for nearly a year. No amount of compassion for this is too much.
Without any other agenda, deliver to your grandson the message that you are deeply sorry that the pandemic has wreaked havoc on his social life. Tenderly communicate that you grasp how painful it must be to know that his friends are getting together without him. Let him know that you cannot believe that the pandemic has gone on for so long (roughly one-tenth of the lifetime that he likely remembers) and that you understand that for teenagers in particular, the support of family cannot make up for losing touch with friends.
Compassion won’t alter the lousy circumstances, but it can still help to relieve his emotional suffering. Feeling alone with psychological pain is a lot worse than believing that your distress is seen and validated. So, do all you can to help your grandson know that you are entirely on his team.
