Think of a time when something didn’t go as well as you had hoped — a time, for example, when you made a mistake, did poorly on a test or were cut from a team.
Faced with disappointment, did you treat yourself with kindness and compassion? Or did you beat yourself up about it?
In general, do you live with unrealistically high expectations when in comes to your grades, popularity, appearance, performance in sports, extracurricular activities or anything else? Do you ever wish you could be a little easier on yourself?
In “Perfectionism Is a Trap. Here’s How to Escape” Christina Caron writes about ways to quiet your inner critic:
Yuxin Sun, a psychologist in Seattle, sees a lot of clients at her group practice who insist they aren’t perfectionists. “‘Oh, I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect,’” they tell her.
But perfectionism isn’t about being the best at any given pursuit, Dr. Sun said, “it’s the feeling of never arriving to that place, never feeling good enough, never feeling adequate.” And that can make for a harsh internal voice that belittles and chastises us.
Perfectionism is so pervasive that there’s a test to measure it: the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. When researchers looked at how college students have responded to the scale’s questions over time, they found that rates of perfectionism surged in recent decades, skyrocketing between 2006 and 2022.
Thomas Curran, an associate professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science who led the analysis, said the type of perfectionism with the steepest rise — socially prescribed perfectionism — was rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. Today’s young person is more likely to score much higher on this measure than someone who took the test decades ago. There could be a number of causes for the uptick: increasing parental expectations, school pressures, the ubiquity of social media influencers and advertising.
The feeling of not being good enough or that “my current life circumstances are inadequate or not sufficient” has created an “unrelenting treadmill,” Dr. Curran said, where there is “no joy in success and lots of self-criticism.”
Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, explains one way to keep your inner critic in check:
Distancing is a way of zooming out on our inner chatter to engage with it differently. If you’re agonizing over something in the middle of the night, for example, that’s a cue to “jump into the mental time-travel machine,” he said.
Begin by imagining: “How are you going to feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxieties often seem less severe in the light of day.
The time period could also be further into the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times during your big presentation today truly matter three months from now?
Another way to practice distancing is to avoid first-person language when thinking about something that upsets you.
Instead of saying: “I cannot believe I made that mistake. It was so stupid of me,” someone might gain a new perspective by saying: “Christina, you made a mistake. You’re feeling bad about it right now. But you aren’t going to feel that way forever. And your mistake is something that has happened to a lot of other people.”
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist? Did any of the descriptions of self-criticism in the article remind you of your own behavior?
What is your reaction to the research that found that there was a surge in perfectionism — and especially in the belief that others expect you to be perfect — among college students in the last two decades? Do you see similar patterns among your peers? Why do you think perfectionism has increased so much recently?
Would you try any of the strategies suggested in the article, such as distancing, accepting what’s good enough or practicing self-compassion? Is there someone else you know that could benefit from these techniques?
Consider the disappointing moment you identified earlier. Imagine you had a second chance at reacting, with the knowledge you now have about perfectionism and strategies for quieting your inner critic. How would you approach that moment differently, if at all? What effect do you think comforting and reassuring, rather than criticizing, yourself would have on you?
Do you have any advice of your own to share with people who compare themselves unfavorably with others, or struggle with the fear of not being good enough?
What do you wish adults knew about the roles self-criticism and perfectionism play in the lives of teenagers today? What, if anything, could older people do to help?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
