Dunking Oreos into water. Posting only selfies on Instagram. Reciting random historical facts at the drop of a hat.
Deal breakers? Quirky and endearing? Benign, but baffling?
In “What Is a ‘Beige Flag’?” Callie Holtermann writes about the emergence of a new dating term to describe the kinds of odd traits of our romantic partners:
To sort through the chaos of modern dating, some taxonomically-minded singles apply a color-coded system to potential partners. Red flags are behaviors to avoid (deceit, poor dental hygiene). Green flags are go-ahead signs (honesty, owning floss).
So what is a beige flag?
According to the TikTok users who have latched on to the term in the past month, a beige flag is an odd trait in a romantic prospect that is not quite a deal breaker, but not exactly a plus, either.
Dunking Oreos in water instead of milk is a beige flag. So is turning on caps lock to type the first letter of every sentence, or maintaining a Lego obsession into adulthood, or being afraid of astronauts.
Benign but baffling, they are the kinds of things that might come up in a gentle roast. As one user put it, a beige flag makes a potential partner or a partner pause and say, “Huh?” for a few seconds before carrying on with the relationship.
“Everyone has their beige flags,” said Marisa Bertani, 29, an actor in Los Angeles. For example, her girlfriend of over a year moves her couch to a different spot in her apartment roughly every two weeks. Ms. Bertani said she did not mind the habit, but she did not understand it, either. “I’ve never met anyone in my life that can think of so many ways to rearrange a living room,” she said.
She posted a video about her partner’s quirks on TikTok, where the hashtag #beigeflag has more than half a billion views. The videos, which are often set to a schmaltzy saxophone soundtrack, function as a kind of humblebrag: They appear self-effacing while still serving as a flex of the poster’s relationship status.
Katie Chung, 17, responded to the TikTok trend, and the value of embracing beige flags, in a winning submission to our Summer Reading Contest:
What is a “beige flag?” One person I dated had a knack for reciting random historical facts at the drop of a hat; another had a penchant for organizing their bookshelf by the color of the spines rather than the author’s name. These traits were neither deal breakers nor instant attractions, but rather curious aspects that added individuality to their character: “beige flags.”
What fascinates me most about beige flags is their subjectivity. What may be an endearing quirk to one person could be utterly repellent to another. As I ponder beige flag TikToks and their comment sections, I witness a microcosm of the world’s opinions converging, showcasing the vast spectrum of human perspectives.
But the significance of beige flags extends beyond social media trends. It prompts us to reconsider the rigid expectations we impose on potential partners. In our quest for the perfect match, we tend to focus on red flags, fearing the pitfalls of poor compatibility. But in doing so, we overlook the beauty of embracing our partners’ quirks — the very things that make them unique.
Embracing beige flags means acknowledging that perfection is an elusive ideal, and relationships thrive on cherishing our differences. In an age marked by polarization and categorizing people as good or bad, welcoming the in-between becomes an effective tool for encouraging empathy; if we can extend this acceptance to other aspects of our lives, we can begin fostering a more compassionate society.
Students, read the rest of Ms. Holtermann’s article and then tell us:
What’s your reaction to the latest shade of flag in the sprawling lexicon of dating terms? Do you think it’s a helpful term? What are your relationship beige flags?
What about red flags (behaviors to avoid) and green flags (go-ahead signs)? Are there any that you feel strongly about?
Kimberly Moffit, a therapist in Toronto who specializes in dating and relationships, says that what is adorable to one person will almost certainly be repellent to someone else. Do you agree?
Our contest winner, Katie Chung, argues for the value of beige flags beyond social media trends: We should be careful not to overlook the beauty of embracing our partners’ quirks — the very things that make them unique. Does the quest for the perfect match keep us from cherishing our differences? Do you think that embracing beige flags can be an “effective tool for encouraging empathy?” Why, or why not?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
