Think back to a time when you felt wronged by someone. Did you forgive that person? Or are you still holding a grudge? Do you think you would feel better if you were able to let go of what happened? Why or why not?
For someone who’s led a charmed life, my 8-year-old can hold a serious grudge. Out of the blue, he recently brought up “that bad pencil thing that happened.” It took me a while to divine that he was talking about the classmate who nabbed one of his writing utensils … nearly two years ago.
I thought about my son’s inability to let go of The Great Pencil Incident of First Grade when I learned recently about new research that suggests forgiveness improves mental well-being — and offers a road map for getting there.
In the study, which was presented last week at an interdisciplinary conference on forgiveness at Harvard and is currently under review for publication, researchers randomly assigned 4,598 participants from five countries into groups. One set received a forgiveness workbook with exercises they completed on their own. (An example: Write the story of a specific hurt you want to forgive. Then write it again as more of an observer, without emphasizing how bad the wrongdoer was or how you felt victimized. Look for at least three differences between the two versions.) Those in the control group waited for two weeks before receiving the workbook.
When the two weeks were up, researchers found that those participants who’d completed the workbook felt more forgiving than those in the control group — and had reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression. These findings jibe with other studies on forgiveness, which have found it can be a boon to mental health, helping to do things like lower stress and improve sleep.
“What forgiveness does is sort of free the victim from the offender,” said Tyler VanderWeele, the director of the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard and one of the co-authors of the study. “I would never say ‘Once you’ve forgiven, everything’s fine.’” But it is a better alternative to rumination or suppression, he said. And that is likely why it can improve overall mental well-being.
As my son shows, it can be hard to forgive even minor transgressions — and I’m not dunking on him here. I could easily prattle off a list of perceived offenses I’ve been holding onto for years. But Dr. VanderWeele believes forgiveness is a skill that can be practiced.
Are you someone who tends to hold grudges? Or do you forgive easily? Why do you think you react how you do? Does the article convince you to give forgiveness a try — if for no reason other than improving your own mental well-being?
Has forgiving someone ever made you feel better, as the research here suggests? If so, tell us a story about a time when you forgave someone and the effect it had on you.
Tyler VanderWeele defines forgiveness as replacing “ill will toward the offender with good will.” But, he said, “Forgiveness is not forgetting the action or pretending it didn’t happen; it’s not excusing or condoning the action, and it’s not the same as reconciling or forgoing justice.” What do you think of this definition? What does true forgiveness look like to you?
Dr. VanderWeele shares several strategies for practicing forgiveness. Which, if any, would you try? How do you think those tips could help you?
“In a society like the one we’re living in, with increasing polarization and animosity, that disposition to forgive is potentially very much needed,” Dr. VanderWeele said. Do you agree? Do you think our society could use more people who are willing to forgive? What do you imagine our world might look like if that were the case?
