Do you ever compare yourself with others — peers, friends, family, celebrities, people on social media? Do you ever wish you had something someone else has, such as their status, success or talent?
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins — but can it ever have an upside? Does envy fill you with unhelpful feelings of resentment and despair, or does it motivate you to work harder?
In “How to Make Envy Work for You,” Jancee Dunn writes about the benefits of feeling that others have it better than you do:
I have an acquaintance whom I’ve followed for years on social media — even though most of her posts fill me with envy. She always seems to be on a different tropical vacation. How many beaches can a person visit?
When I showed my husband her latest post from the dunes, he suggested I unfollow her.
“It’s not that easy,” I told him.
“It actually is,” he said.
Envy, the feeling you get when you perceive that someone is better off than you, is something many of us can recognize, said Robert Leahy, director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and a professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College, who researches envy. But we often feel both shame and guilt, he said.
“In pop psychology, people might say you should never have any envy,” Dr. Leahy said. “That’s absurd. You’re human.”
Ms. Dunn talked to experts about how to make the tendency to “compare and despair” work for us. The first strategy she discovered was to “acknowledge it”:
If you feel a surge of envy, first, own up to it, Dr. Leahy said. “Making room for envy and noticing when it shows up allows people not to be afraid of it.”
It’s OK if you envy a friend, Dr. Leahy said. Your emotions are likely more complex. “You can think, I love my friend, I appreciate what they do for me and their good qualities, and I envy them,” he said. “You don’t have to reduce your thoughts or emotions about a person to envy.”
Don’t react to envy impulsively, said Manuel Gonzalez, an assistant professor of psychology at Montclair State University, who has studied envy. Instead, explore what you are fixating on when you feel envious, he said. What issues does it bring up in your own life?
Use that information to clarify your own desires and ambitions, Dr. Gonzalez said. Then, he said, ask yourself: Why do I envy this person? How can I use this person as a role model? What can I learn that can change my own situation?
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
What role does envy play in your life? How often do you compare yourself with others and lament that they are better off than you?
Tell us about a time when you envied someone else. What triggered your feelings? What did you learn, if anything, from the experience?
What aspects of the article resonate with you? Do you ever feel “hijacked” by envious thoughts, making you depressed, angry or overwhelmed? Do you ever feel “guilt and shame” and try to hide your resentments? Or do you try to acknowledge your feelings and find motivation in them?
Research has found that young adults are more envious than older adults. Are you surprised to learn this? Have your experiences with envy changed over the course of your life? Do you expect envy to be part of your adulthood? If so, to what degree?
The article provides several strategies for turning envy to your advantage. For example, Dr. Gonzalez recommends asking yourself: “Why do I envy this person? How can I use this person as a role model? What can I learn that can change my own situation?” What do you think of that advice? What advice would you give to others to help them channel their feelings of envy into something positive?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
