“I am now 17. But I started my periods and going through puberty when I was 8 or 9. I hated it. I actually hated it at first. When I was 8 or 9, I just wanted to be a boy. I remember saying, ‘Why does this only happen to girls? Why does it not happen to boys? It’s not fair.’” “It was a very difficult time because I wanted to be a child and I wanted to still have fun. But at the same time, I wanted to get older. And I wanted to get bigger. So, I mean, it was quite difficult. But then you have to get bigger. You cannot stay a child anymore. So it was like, suddenly I’m being forced to become mature. So I’m 14. And I feel like it kind of started when I was 11. I think I was just really scared because obviously you know blood’s going to come out. But seeing it come out is terrifying. And there was like — obviously, it’s a bit of a mess down there. And seeing that, I was, like, really scared because I also never had a nosebleed or anything. The most I’d seen was on TV, which is obviously all fake. Yeah, it was quite scary. It was like watching a horror movie or something.” “My school was quite strict. So unless you’ve been sick or there’s something really wrong with you, they’re not going to send you home. So teachers just thought I was being lazy in class and was overreacting, because that’s what most girls do. ‘Miss, I can’t go to school because I’m on my period.’ I physically couldn’t move. I think I was about 13. And then my period pains turned from being stomach cramps to being pains in my back to actually my bum hole. And as a woman and as a girl, no one had ever — I never heard of it. So I was always like, ‘Mom, this is not normal. I need to go to the doctor’s,’ because no one else has ever said that their period pains are in their bum hole. And then it got to the point where I was getting sent home from school because I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t sit down. It was awful. I know that my mom looked through my books one parents’ evening. And it was, like, one or two days a month when my writing was just completely — you couldn’t read it because I wasn’t able to hold a pen.” “I mean, I didn’t really physically change for a while. So when everyone else was growing and had boobs and stuff — and then I started growing up a bit more. I was like, ‘Oh, yeah. This is cool.’ Something like fit in a bit more, I guess. But yeah, I was still very self-conscious about my body and stuff because all I can think about is — the whole thing going on in my mind is, ‘What are other people thinking? Are they laughing at me in their heads? Do they think I look weird? Do they think I look fat?’ Or like — it’s never, like, normal thoughts.” “I think when they first start to really get bigger — not that I have big boobs — but when they started to grow, I was like, really like, ‘This is the most amazing thing ever. I want everyone to know that I have boobs.’ I wore the most — I tried to make my tops as revealing as possible, show as much cleavage as I could. So what lot of the girls started doing was push-up bras and then flimsy sports bras on top because it really gives you the cleavage. And it really makes them bigger. I definitely did that.” “A few months after the period, my boobs started growing. And I didn’t even really realize it until I saw stretch marks because it happened very fast. And my thighs started growing more. And I got mistaken for an older woman. I’m pretty sure I was hit on by, like, a 25-year-old male. It’s crazy because at the time I was 14.” “I’d walk down to my friend’s house — so she lives a road away. And instantly, because I was in shorts in the summer but because my hips were wider, it was just things started to change. I thought was normal at first. I thought, ‘Well, that’s a bit weird.’ But it kept on happening. And there was this one time this guy was leaning out of his car and shouting at me. And I was like, I’m really scared because I’m small. Anyone could come and take me. And it’s like — it’s terrifying. I was 9.” “Body hair kind of just went from none to loads. I remember I grew facial hair at one point, armpit hair, hair down — it was just everywhere. And I was like, why is — why? And then it was smelling, like, B.O. And because I’ve got O.C.D., it was like, ‘What is this? Why am I using deodorant in the morning and by lunchtime I’m smelling again?’ And I said, ‘Mom, I need to go to the doctor’s because I smell weird.’” “I think social media has really changed my perspective of my body, as well of other people’s bodies. You need to have big thighs. But they can’t be too big. Otherwise, it’s bad. But they can’t be too skinny, because then you’re skinny. Things like hip dips — I didn’t know what hip dips were. And then someone like — they were on media. And everyone was saying they’re awful. And then I realized I had them. And then I hated them. Hip dips are essentially fat that forms on your hips. Instead of having, like, an hourglass figure, it’s kind of like it goes in again. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But yeah, it was never anything I thought about. And then suddenly it’s become one of my biggest insecurities.” “The change from my year six to secondary school, I was in a really bad mental state. And my anxiety was off the roof. And I don’t remember much from then. And I think that was because of how little that I was eating, because I get effects, like, what you can remember. And I still got in my head the mentality of like, ‘I can’t have breakfast. I can’t eat lunch. I can only have a dinner.’” “The acne and the spots came from when I got my first initial period, when I was about 8 or 9. But what didn’t help my acne just going through puberty was I had eczema on top of that. I felt like it wasn’t my face, because they weren’t the same color as my skin. They were very noticeable. They weren’t small. They were huge. They weren’t just on one part of my face. They were on my forehead, my nose, my chin. I started one secondary school in year seven. And I got bullied there because of my eczema. So I moved to another school. And then I lost all my hair. So then that was just another complete different thing. And then race came into it. Because I was mixed and light skinned, I should have this type of hair. And I didn’t have that type of hair. I didn’t have any at all. ‘You’re not a girl. You don’t have hair.’ So it was like, ‘I am a girl. I’m in all-girls school.’ They were just really nasty and mean. And no matter what teachers said, teachers can’t control what the rest of the students say when they’re not there.” “Because I’m tall — I got picked on a lot because I’m tall. Now it’s not so much, but because all the — everyone was smaller. And I was, like, the giant and stuff — all because everyone’s like, ‘You’re so tall. You’re never going to get a boyfriend who’s taller than you. And you’re weird. Why are your limbs so long?’ But that mostly started in secondary school because in primary school it’s cool to be tall because you’re faster. The faster you were, the better you were at sport, the more popular you are. And then as soon as you get to secondary school, it’s all about looks. And personality isn’t even that big of a thing. It’s most of the time just about your body.” “I started to stress about everything, and I mean everything. So I — and I started to get anxiety and panic attacks during school. And so I didn’t tell my parents this at all. And I just kind of really distanced myself from my parents. I could stay in my room and have dinner and then go back to my room and then get in the shower and then go to bed. I could never and have never figured out what triggers them. They just came.” “I think the boys are only just starting to really change. Their voices are all now dropping. And I think it’s definitely the summer from year nine to 10, which we’re about to go through, that they really start to shoot up. So some of the boys are now finally taller than me, which they took their time. But then, yeah, most of them are still tiny, with really high-pitched voices. And all the girls are just like, ‘I want a mature man. I need a manly man, someone who’s not this squeaky 9-year-old that sounds like a little child and looks like a little child.’” “I think boys also make girls feel worse about what happens to females because they are so uneducated that everything is a shock. ‘You bleed?’ ‘Yes, we bleed.’ ‘Does it hurt?’ ‘Not the blood coming out physically. But there is symptoms and signs that do hurt.’ ‘Oh, so you don’t wee?’ ‘Yes, we do wee when we’re on our period.’ It was just so many comments that I’ve spoken to with my male friends. And I was like, we’re not actually — we don’t turn into aliens when we’re on our period. We do function the same way. And then I think it’s just, ‘Oh, are you on your period?’ That question is just so annoying if a girl is being moody. No, maybe you’re just annoying me. Maybe I’m just not in the mood today. It doesn’t always mean that I’m on my period just because I’m not happy.” “And also now sex is becoming a conversation. Like, 16, you have to have sex at that age. And it has to be done before 18. Otherwise, you’re this weirdo who doesn’t have a life. And yeah, it’s, like, kind of terrifying because there’s no one in my school that I like in general. And even if I did and I didn’t feel ready and then someone finds out that you haven’t had sex when you’re 18, it’s, like, crazy.” “I mean, people have told you about the association, like, if you get your period, you couldn’t get pregnant. And because I have the app on my phone, for example, if it says, oh, ‘You’re one day late.” It’s like, ‘Oh, my God, I’m pregnant,’ when you’ve never had sex. It’s kind of like, ‘Oh, my gosh.’ For example, if you go swimming and there’s a man in the pool, you make that connection. If your period’s — it’s like, ‘Oh, my God, maybe somehow.’ It’s completely impossible. But your mind just goes there. It’s like there has to be something, why my period’s late, although it’s, like, one day late. It’s like, maybe, maybe, just maybe I’m pregnant.” “I actually have a boyfriend right now. But yeah, we’ve been together for, like, a year and, like, seven, eight months. But yeah, he actually got me that. That’s from him. And the roses downstairs are from him. He honestly really helped me. We talk together about anxiety. We talk together about aliens. We talk together about everything. He’s made me understand myself. And I couldn’t thank him more. But we haven’t actually kissed before because we want to save it. But I hold his hand sometimes. I don’t like to because I’ve got really sweaty hands. And he’s complained because he has sweaty hands. So it’s like, OK, we won’t hold hands then.” “I don’t think anyone can be prepared for what’s going to come. I don’t think I would have wanted to be prepared because it probably would have just made me concerned. I think the anxiety around certain things is always going to be there, like some social situations and doing things. But I think I will be able to go into them and be able to get over it. But the feeling of anxiety is always going to be there. It’s never going to go away.” “Now that I think about it, I think it was silly that I was stressing. But in the time, when I was that age, I didn’t really see it as being silly. I thought, ‘This is my life.’ I thought that was how I was going to be forever. I didn’t think, ‘It’s going to go away soon. This time next year, I’ll look completely different.’ I thought, ‘This is my life. My life is over. I’m always going to look like this.’ But now I look back on it, I’m just like, ‘Why was I being so silly? Why did I not see that it was fine to look different?’” “I mean, it’s kind of crazy. I have the body to have children. I’m 14. I can literally deliver a child into the world. But I’m a child. And it’s like — it’s cool. But it’s also so weird, like the fact that my period starts when I’m 11. But most likely, I won’t have children till I’m at least 20.” “I don’t know. I’ve never really put it in that kind of way. I mean, I’d love to have children. And I love children. I love being around them. But all this just to have a child? That’s a bit much. I mean, I’ve never really thought about it like that. That’s so weird. All to have a child, I have to struggle this much. Oh, my God. I’ve never thought about it like that. Oh, my gosh. That’s no — that’s so annoying.”
