Today, you will read about studies that try to identify the optimal number of close friends a person should have in order to feel connected and happy. If you had to choose such a number, what would it be, and why?
In “How Many Friends Do You Really Need?,” Catherine Pearson writes about studies that try to answer that question. Though her focus is on adult friendships, the information is relevant to younger people as well. The article begins:
An ongoing argument my husband and I have — which has become more contentious during the pandemic — is about how many friends we should have.
We both have one or two close friends and siblings we like to spend time with. Plus, we are busy parenting two young boys who sap most of our energy. As a textbook introvert, this feels like plenty of friends to me. Excessive, even. But my husband is an extrovert who comes alive around other people. As we slowly emerge from the pandemic, I can feel him yearning for more.
He’s not alone. For years, friendship in America has been in decline, a trend that accelerated during the pandemic. Three decades ago, 3 percent of Americans told Gallup pollsters they had no close friends; in 2021, an online poll put it at 12 percent. About a year into the pandemic, 13 percent of women and 8 percent of men age 30 to 49 said they’d lost touch with most of their friends.
There are health implications to all of this. Friendship can be an important factor in well-being, while loneliness and social isolation — distinct but related conditions — can be associated with an increased risk for conditions like depression and anxiety or heart disease and stroke. An often-cited 2010 meta-analysis led by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University in Utah, concluded that loneliness is as harmful to physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
“It’s a natural question,” Dr. Holt-Lunstad said about the “ideal” number of friends. “Just like we have guidelines and recommendations for the amount of sleep we get and how physically active we are, this is health relevant.”
While she and other friendship researchers admit there aren’t many studies that have specifically tackled the question of how many friends people should aim for, those that have been done offer a range — and somewhere between three and six close friends may be the sweet spot.
Have you experienced changes in your friendships during the pandemic? If so, how would you describe what is different now?
How do you define “close friendship”? What distinguishes it from other friendships? How many close friendships do you have? Do you agree that three to six close friends is ideal?
The article says that “research suggests the size of a person’s online network may not have any meaningful impact on their perceived well-being.” Does this data reflect your experience? Do you feel that your internet friendships are as satisfying as your in-person ones?
Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, said that “your personality and the characteristics of your life are going to make a difference” in the number of friends that you want and need. How do your personality and the characteristics of your life influence your friendships? For example, are you an introvert, like the author, who might be satisfied with fewer and closer friendships? Or do you like to have a lot of different friends who bring out different parts of you?
Do you feel satisfied with the friendships you have? Do you feel supported, cared for and heard? Do you and your friends have fun together? Do friendships ever feel complicated or confusing? What advice would you give someone who is struggling with friendship?
