Students in U.S. high schools can get free digital access to The New York Times until Sept. 2021.
Do you regularly receive praise from your parents for your accomplishments — big and small? Do you ever think it’s too much?
Do you think there’s a downside to praise — or can one never get enough approval and validation?
In “Are You Overpraising Your Child?,” Paul L. Underwood writes:
“I love it!”
It’s a phrase I’ve uttered countless times, typically in response to a new offering from our family’s artist-in-residence, also known as my 6-year-old daughter. I’m being honest — it’s a treat when she dedicates her work to me, rather than the parent with higher approval ratings (her mother, my wife), and I take a fatherly pride in her choice of colors and attention to detail. But it turns out, I’m also undermining her efforts, by putting myself, and my approval, at the center of the conversation.
It seems like the right thing to say. After all, how many times have we parents been told that it’s better to pre-emptively praise (and reward) the behavior we want our children to demonstrate, rather than waiting to condemn them for misbehaving. But, as leading researcher Wendy S. Grolnick, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., puts it, praise also has a dark side.
This is because praising the outcome (“It’s beautiful!”) or the person (“You’re so smart!”) encourages the child to focus on those things. She might feel performance anxiety. He might question the conditionality of your love. (“If I’m a smart boy when I do this, I must be a stupid boy when I don’t.”) He might become more motivated by a parent’s pleasure than by the process that led to it. Future crayon masterpieces might become less fun for him to create — or disappear altogether when they’re not as highly praised.
Mr. Underwood presents six research-based approaches and strategies to parents on how to praise — or not praise — their child:
Praise the process, not the person.
Pay close attention to your child’s process.
Praise what your child has control over.
Don’t praise by comparison.
Beware of praise inflation.
Rather than praise, offer descriptive feedback.
The article concludes:
I’m lucky. Our daughter might not be tucking any colorful drawings into her backpack these days — in-person school in our hometown is delayed for at least a month, maybe longer — but spending long days at home allows her progress as an artist to proceed apace. Which means more masterpieces for me to praise. I don’t always get it right — “I love it!” is still my immediate, and authentic, response — but I’m working on it. And so is she.
Students, read the entire article, then tell us:
Do your parents overpraise you? Or do you find yourself wishing they would offer more praise and approval?
How do you feel when you receive praise from your parents, or others? In what ways do compliments and praise positively affect your self-esteem, character and growth? In what ways do they hurt?
Do your parents have pet compliments, like “good job” or “I love it”? What kinds of praise and validation would you most like to receive?
Do you agree with Mr. Underwood’s contention that too much praise can undermine children’s independence and self-confidence? Have you ever felt “pressure to live up to [your] parent’s praise”?
What do you think of Mr. Underwood’s six recommendations for the overpraising parent? Does his statement, “this is because praising the outcome (‘It’s beautiful!’) or the person (‘You’re so smart!’) encourages the child to focus on those things” resonate with your own experience?
What other recommendations and advice would you give to parents or anyone who gives too much — or too little — praise?
Are you good at giving praise yourself? What kinds of compliments do you like to give? Do you think you will be an overpraising parent?
About Student Opinion
• Find all our Student Opinion questions in this column.
• Have an idea for a Student Opinion question? Tell us about it.
• Learn more about how to use our free daily writing prompts for remote learning.
Students 13 and older in the United States and the United Kingdom, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public.
